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V 



Successful Rural Plays 

A Strong List From Which to Select Your 
Next Play 

FARM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubbs. For five male and six female characters. Time 
of playing, two hours and a half. One simple exterior, two 
easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a 
farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New 
Yorker. Philip's mother wants him to marry a society woman, 
and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. 
Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by 
intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry 
Dave, but on the eve of their marriage Dave confesses, Philip 
learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple 
plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience 
alternately to tears and to laughter. Price, 25 cents. 

HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubbs. Characters, four male, five female. Plays two 
hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all four 
acts. Costumes, modern. Cue of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs 
has written. Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter 
Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son 
of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth Winn. 
She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. 
When Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave 
Ruth. Harold, who does not love sincerely, yields. Ruth dis- 
covers she loves Len, but thinks she has lost him also. Then 
he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. Price 25 cents. 

THE OLD NEW HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New 

England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For seven 
males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, 
modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich 
in humor. Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of 
the "Old Homstead" and "Way Down East" type. Two ex- 
terior scenes, one interior, all easy to set. Full of strong sit- 
uations and delightfully humorous passages. The kind of a play 
everybody understands and likes. Price, 25 cents. 

THE OLD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy 
in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four 
females. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- 
terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money 
.•• from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's 
•jtiece, whose husband he claims to be. Her escapes from the 
••• wiles of the villain and his female accomplice are both starting 
and novel. Price, 15 cents. 

A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in 
Five Acts, by Charles Townsend. For seven males and four 
females, and three supers. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 
One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a 
country lad, twice saves the life of a banker's daughter, which 
results in their betrothal. A scoundrelly clerk has the banker 
in his power, but the White Mountain boy finds a way to check- 
mate his schemes, saves the' banker, and wins the girl. Price 
15 cents. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



The King of Ximbuctoo 



A Musical Farce in Two Acts 



By 
LEON O. MUMFORD 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1914 



9 






Copyright 1914 by The Penn Publishing Company 



The King of Timbuctoo © CI. D 4 1 3 G 

JUN 24 1915 



The King of Timbuctoo 



CAST OF CHARACTERS 

Prince De Kaciack . . . His Noble Pri?icelets y heir 

to the throne 

Prof. Conic Sections of the Yale Faculty 

Piper Heidseick .... keeper of the Dew Drop Inn 

William Slick a show man looking for a 

one night stand 
General Nasticus . . . commander of the Royal 

Army 

Ginger Lord High Chambermaid 

to His Majesty 
Marie Fleurdelis . . . a New York belle who saves 

the King' s life 

Princess Nikita daughter of the King 

Stella Foxey Slick's wife 

Rita Conic Sections . . . a "New Woman" wedded 

to the Professor 

Lill from St. Louis 

Pansy Blossom from Neiv England 

Violet Dare a "Frisco" maiden 

Goldie Glow from the Sunny South 

And 

The King whose days are numbered 

in more ways than o?ie 

Time : — Two Hours. 

SYNOPSIS 

Act I. The Chill. On Broadway at Coomassi, the 
seaport town of Timbuctoo. 

Act II. The Fever. The same scene. 

Notice to Professionals 

This play is published for amateurs only. Professional 
copies may be obtained by addressing the author, L. O. Mum- 
ford, Suite in, Arcade Theatre Building, Newark, N. J. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

The action takes place in the kingdom of Timbuctoo, in 
darkest Africa, and the time is about the month of July, 
next summer. The author freely admits that the play is 
not geographically or politically correct. The plot, which 
can be found with a powerful microscope, is simply the 
hunt for a happy woman. The constitution of the kingdom 
demands that the ruler find such a person in a certain given 
time, or be beheaded. At the time there are a number of 
Americans visiting Timbuctoo, who join the natives in their 
search in order to save their popular ruler. Nearly every- 
body has his own method of solving the problem, and all 
are funny. 

Although songs are indicated in the text they may be 
omitted, and the farce given entirely without music, if pre- 
ferred. 

COSTUMES 

The King. Yellow or light brown complexion and 
hands. Act I. Pair of blue overalls. Red undershirt. 
White shirt bosom or dickey. Alarm clock hung around 
neck. Large brass rings in ears and nose. Dilapidated 
high hat on head. The right foot in a high-top cavalier or 
" swash-buckler " boot. The left an ordinary house slipper. 
Act II. Attired in any elaborate "court" or "king" 
costume of bright colors. Avoid burlesque appearance. 
Of course doublet and hose or tights are permissible. 
However, retain rings in nose and ears. 

Prince de Kaciack. White face character. May be 
played by either a man or a girl. Act I. A suit of white 
flannels. Coat, trousers, shirt, belt, white yachting cap, 
white shoes, necktie of bright color. Act II. Regulation 
court, prince's or page suit throughout act. 

Prof. Conic Sections. A man of about sixty. Gray- 
haired. Wears glasses. Dressed as a tourist, with Soudan 
or cork helmet and gaiters. Carries a butterfly net and 
basket thrown over shoulder. A large sized magnifying 
glass hangs from cord around his neck. Dressed in this 
manner during both acts. 

Piper Heidseick. Florid complexion and red wig. 
Act I. Dressed in a white coat and apron. Act II. Pros' 

4 



COSTUMES 5 

perous business man's suit of linen, blue serge, or light gray 
tweeds. 

William Slick. Smooth face. Flashily dressed, with 
high hat. Display of diamonds as rings, pins, and studs. 
High hat and linen automobile coat. Same dress during 
both acts. 

Ginger. Black face character. Black tights, with knee 
length white flaring skirt from waist. Short woolly wig. 
Practically same costume during both acts, except that for a 
short time he appears in woman's attire. 

General Nasticus. Dark complexion — though not 
black, brown or yellow. Big tow wig with hair standing 
up. An inverted tin cuspidor worn on head as helmet with 
strap under chin. Wash boiler covers front and back as 
suit of armor, fastened with straps over shoulders. Attired 
in red tights with trunks to match. Sponges along shins 
and sides of legs as well as arms to make muscles appear 
ridiculous. A horse's interfering knee boot on right knee. 
An ankle boot on left leg. Carries a big sword. 

When he appears as Willie Green, dress the character 
as an effeminate man. Straw hat with pink band. White 
duck pants. Blue serge coat. Pink shirt and tie. Fancy 
stockings and patent leather dancing pumps. Carry a little 
cane and wear a monocle. 

Marie Fleurdelis should be a blonde, fashionably 
attired in various bright colored and airy summer costumes 
as occasion requires. Change as much as possible for 
each appearance on the stage. First appearance some at- 
tractive traveling costume. Her traveling companions — 
Pansy Blossom, Lill, Violet Dare, and Goldie Glow — 
should wear similar costumes, but not so elaborate as that 
of Marie. As the " Twentieth Century Girls " they wear 
mannish costumes somewhat like Rita's. As the dolls they 
dress in childish fashion. 

Princess Nikita should be a decided brunette. Pic- 
turesquely attired in gypsy or Spanish costume, with a 
change more elaborate as if in holiday attire, in Act II. 

Stella Foxey should be a bleached blonde, inclined 
to be stout. Flashily dressed — but not with the same good 
taste as Marie. Her first appearance should be in auto- 
mobile attire. 

Rita Conic Sections should be a brunette, and ape 
man's attire. Hair done up close to head, and parted in 



O PROPERTIES 

the middle. Wears a shiny high silk hat. Man's collar — 
shirt bosom — and red four in-hand-tie with small though 
brilliant diamond scarf pin. Link cuffs. A coat semi- 
fitting back but cut like a man's sack coat, with lapels. 
Fancy red vest. Close fitting black skirt about ankle 
length. Mannish shoes. Carries a cane and lorgnette. 
Same dress all the way through both acts. In Act II may 
wear a dark red or green satin costume with vest, tie of a 
contrasting color, and carry a small cane with ribbons to 
match. 

PROPERTIES 

Wheelbarrow, clothes-basket, drum, sword, wooden or 
toy guns, tin saucepans (used as helmets), large American 
flag, hand-saw, tack hammer, silk handkerchief, watch, 
lantern, bouquet of artificial flowers, shotgun, several shabby 
men's hats, paper money, very large envelope with red 
heart-shaped seal, newspaper, handkerchief, watchman's 
rattle (or other noisy toy) dress suit case, four fishing poles, 
with lines and hooks, apple, orange, pair of woman's gloves, 
one woman's hat, four small boxes, folded paper, crown 
and sceptre, two red cushions, throne. The latter may be 
simply a large chair covered with red cloth and set on 
platform to be rolled or carried on stage. 

SCENE PLOT 



WOOD OR. RIVCR O/ICK 6UN£L 



WOOD 




S£TT££ 



PORCH WITH TABLE. 
AMO CHAIRS 



SETTfE 



WOOD 




yv/fiCS 



SCENE. — On Broadway in Timbuctoo. Full stage with 
wood or river back scene. Wood wings. Set house, r. 
(may be omitted), with porch. House bears sign " Dew 
Drop Inn." Table and chairs on porch. Settees and 
chairs r. and l. as though scattered on a hotel lawn. 



The King of Timbuctoo 



ACT I 
The Chill 



SCENE. — On Broadway in Timbuctoo. Full stage with 
wood background or river scene. Wood wings at all en- 
trances except R. i E. Here should be a set house two 
stories high with a porch having displayed on it a sign 
" Dew Drop Inn" A table and two chairs should be on 
the porch. Settees and chairs should be arranged about 
stage as if it were a lawn of the hotel. 

(At rise of curtai?i Prof. Conic Sections, his wife, atid the 
American girls should be seated about the stage, walking 
about, standifig together and talking but dressed for 
traveling as if they had fust arrived. All foi?i in some 
late or appropriate so fig and chorus for an opening. The 
" Song of the Diligence " from " Pavfandrutn " is sug- 
gested. The remainder of company assist from the 
wings. Sing all verses and choruses through once, but 
repeat each chorus. Repeat the last chorus a third time.) 

(Piper Heidseick enters at r., from house.) 

Piper. Good-morning, ladies and gentlemen. Ye be 
afther looking as bright as a daisy this fine morning. 

Prof. Good-morning, landlord. Did you inform the 
King of our arrival ? 

Piper. Yis, indade Oi did. An' his missenger just 
brought me word a-saying as how he would be here to-day 
to see you. 

Prof. That is very kind of his Royal Highness, as I am 
very anxious to meet him. 

Rita Conic Sections. Girls, do you hear that ? The 
King is coming. 

All. Isn't that jolly ? 



8 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

Pansy Blossom. We must make ready to receive the 
King properly. 

Violet Dare. Come on, girls. 

(If no music be used, girls exeimt L. If music is used all 
come down fro7it. Marie Fleurdelis and Rita in 
center. Violet and Pansy at the left of them. Goldie 
Glow a?id Lill at the right. Piper at the right of ladies. 
The Prof, at the left. Sing last chorus, girls all dancing 
off arm in arm at l. 2 e., after repeating the chorus. 
Piper enters the house. Prof, starts to leave at l. u. e. 
Rita reenters at l. 2 e.) 

Rita. Peter — Peter ! Now where are you going ? 

Prof, (stopping and turning). I have just discovered a 
new plant for my botany collection, my dear. 

Rita (stamping her foot). Don't you "my dear" me! 
I wish to go sailing and you must take me. 

Prof. Yes, my dear, but 

(Comes down c. to Rita.) 

Rita. There is no "but" about it. You forget, sir, 
that I am a new woman — and you are a mere man. (Enter 
Piper from house.') So, sir, you may as well understand 
right now that my " wishes " are first to be considered and 
yours afterward. Do you understand? 

Prof, (meekly). Yes, my dear 

Rita. Then come along. (Takes hold of him.) This 
" my dear " business makes me tired. 

(Drags him off at L. 2 e.) 

(As they exit Piper crosses to C, and looks after them t 
then turns to audience.) 

Piper. There is the new woman for you. Why, 
she is worse than my poor departed Bridget ever was. 
(Sobs.) Why, we were the most loving couple you 
ever saw. (Sobs.) We would stand for hours in the 
morning (sobbing) after I had been out all night with the 
boys, I a-holding her lily white hand — as big as a " ham." 
(Sobs.) Oh — oh — that lovely hand made so white from tak- 
ing in washings. (Holds his hand and sways back and 
forth.) Yis, an' Oi don't think it was unmanly either — 
because — I had to hold her hand to keep her from swiping 
me with the stove lid. 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 9 

(Prince De Kaciack enters at r. u. e.) 

Prince. Hello, Irish ! How are you ? Has his royal 
joblots showed up yet ? 

Piper {annoyed). Don't call me Irish ! {Turns.) Oh 
— so it is you, my noble princelet. {Bows low.) I sup- 
pose ye mane yer father. No, he has not arrived as yet. 
But a messenger blowed in this morning saying as how he 
was coming to town to-day. 

Prince {crossing down l.). Oh, yes, he's coming — on a 
tour of investigation. 

Piper {looking scared). What now ? 

Prince. Pork. There's a great deal of it used on the 
ships in our navy, you know. 

Piper. Sure — salt pork. What of that ? 

Prince. The governor wants to know when pork was first 
introduced on board ship. 

Piper. That's easy. 

Prince. What's the answer? 

Piper. When Noah took Ham into the Ark. 

Prince. I guess you're even. But all this talk about 
pork makes me hungry. I'll call it square if you will fix me 
out with a lunch in that hash ranch of yours. 

Piper. To be sure ; we always have a bite of something. 

{Exit into house.) 

Prince {strolling up on the porch and taking seat at table). 
Well, trot something out lively. And, oh — 1 say, Irish 

Piper {sticking his head out of the door). Don't call me 
Irish. 

Prince. Don't forget to shave the butter. The last time 
its golden locks were hanging down its back. (Marie 
enters at r. i e., and slowly strolls across stage to l. 
Prince starts — sitting up straight.) Ah, by Jove ! there's 
a peach. We don't grow many of them in Timbuctoo. 
{Rises.) I wonder who she is ? {Starts down steps.) Ah 
there, my box of bonbons. 

Mauie {stopping and turning). Pardon me, sir, did 
you address me ? 

Prince {quickly crossing to her side). Yes, my little 
fairy queen. Where are you going ? 

Marie. I don't know you, sir. We've never been intro- 
duced. 



10 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

Prince. Oh; that is easily remedied. I am De Kaciack 
— and you ? 

Marie (aside). The Prince — how jolly ! (To the 
Prince.) I am Marie Fleurdelis. 

Prince. I always did love that name Marie. Do you 
know 1 was just waiting for you ? 

Marie. Oh, Your Highness ! You didn't know me. 

Prince. That's the funny part of it. I knew you as 
soon as 1 saw you. 

(A flirtation solo or duet may be i?itroduced here. " Where 
are you going, my pretty maid," from " Wang" is sug- 
gested.) 

Marie {laughing). Dear me, what a swift person you are. 

(Goes up l.) 

Prince. Swift ! You haven't seen me really move yet. 
(Follows her.) May I walk with you? 
Marie. 1 didn't say yes. 
Prince (still following). But you didn't say no. 

(Exeunt the Prince and Marie, l. u. e. May sing last 
chorus of their song before exit.) 

(Lively march music. Enter r., the King, and party. 
Princess Nikita comes first, attired in yellow bloomers 
and Eton jacket, playing a "tom-tom" or small drum 
with snares off. Next, General Nasticus, marching 
erect, carrying his big sword. Eo I lowing him the King 
in a wheelbarrow with a clothes-basket tied o?i in fro fit 
with Ginger wheeling the barrow. As the barrow 
reaches the stage at c. d. f. Ginger spills the King out 
sprawling.) 

King (sitting up ; looking aromid ; feeling himself all over ; 
satisfied that no bones are broke?i ; addressing Ginger). 
This thing has got to stop. (Pause.) Is this the way to 
treat his Royal Highness ? Dumping him from his royal 
chariot in this unceremonious manner — as if he were so 
much rubbish ? 

Ginger. Did it hurt you? 

King. Did it hurt me ! I'll show you. Does it hurt 
my Royal Dignity to grovel in the dust in this manner — like 
the lowest of my subjects? (Piper rushes out from the 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO II 

hotel and assists the King to arise. Prof. and Rita fol- 
low Piper from the hotel. All the others co?ne from behind 
house at first and second entrance and form a group about 
the porch?) Now, you imp of darkness, begone ! Take 
the royal chariot to the stables. Have the horses rubbed 
down and fed. And don't you show your inky countenance 
in daylight again until I send for you. Do you hear ? 

Ginger, Say, you ain't mad or anything, are you? 

King. You get right out of here. 

Ginger. Yes, Your Majesty. 

(Exits with wheelbarrow at R. i e.) 

(A song by the King will be effective here. In it the King 
introduces himself as the ruler of Timbuctoo. Chorus 
after each stanza.') 

King. Ho, I say, Irish. 

Piper. Don't call me Irish. 

King. Well, then, Emerald Isle. Have you seen that 
young hopeful of mine? He said he was coming to town 
this morning. 

Piper. Your Majesty does me great honor. There is 
the Prince coming now, sir. 

{The Prince and Marie enter at l. u. e. and slowly come 

down front.) 

King (turning and looking). Ah — so he is. With a 
butterfly, as usual. (Faces.) What will the country come 
to when the crown rests on his brow and the state on his 
shoulders? Come here, you young rascal! (The Prince 
bows to Marie and crosses to the King. Marie joins the 
party at steps of hotel.) Why were you not here to meet 
me? (Aside.) Introduce me to your friends. 

( Winks at Marie. ) 

Prince. Ladies and gentlemen, His Majesty, the King 
of Timbuctoo. 

(Ginger enters at l. i e. walki?ig backward, looking and 
waving his hand as though flirting ; continues backing 
up just as the King comes bowing left and right to the 
others. At each bow Ginger also bows off l. and they 
bump into each other.) 



12 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

King. This thing has got to stop. (Ginger runs to 
chair or settee at l. The King stops bowing and faces 
Ginger.) Sit down. 

Ginger {doing so). Yes, sir. 

King {quickly'). Stand up. 

Ginger (rising). Yes, Your Majesty. 

King. Sit down, I say. 

Ginger {sitting). Just as you say. 

King {giving orders rapidly). Stand up. — Sit down. — 
Stand up. — Sit down. — Sit up. — Stand down {Ex- 
cited.) Sit — stand — sit — stand — sit — stand — sit — stand — 

sit — stand — sit (Ginger keeps sitting and standing 

as rapidly as the orders are given.) This thing has got to 
stop. 

Ginger {sitting down with a sigh of relief ). With the 
greatest of pleasure, boss. 

King. You pass right out of here. 

Ginger. I hasten to obey your commands, Your Majesty. 
{Rises slowly, and with equal slowness marches out ; while 
doing so keeps repeating the following to the same time, as 
if marking time to march with a drum.) Hoo-ray. Hoo- 
ray. Hoo-ray. Hully-gee. Hully-gee. Hoo-ray. 

{Repeat until exit at L. i E.) 

{During the King's controversy with Ginger, Piper crosses 
to l. and exit. Changes his coat to a military uniform 
and with William Slick and Ginger, similarly attired, 
using tin pails or saucepans for helmets and wooden guns, 
appears as the Royal Guards, when Nasticus is sent for 
them.) 

King {turning to the Prince). Who is that little lady? 

Prince. Why, that is Marie Fleurdelis — an American 
heiress that I met this morning. 

King. Phew — an American heiress, did you say? Don't 
lose her, my boy — don't lose her. Freeze right on to her. 
The state needs the money. 

Prince. Ah, perhaps she won't see it in that light. 

King. Won't she? Well, I guess she will. (Marie 

comes down c.) I'll talk to her myself. I'll {Sees 

Marie.) Oh — ah — my dear, I was just saying how lovely 
the autumn leaves are this year. 

Marie. Oh, aren't you afraid to tell such fibs? 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 1 3 

King. Who, me? I'm not afraid of anything. 
Marie. Not even a pretty girl? 

King. No — not even of you. The Timbuctians are a 
brave race. Nothing frightens us — nothing. 

{Loud ?ioise off l. The King and the Prince rush itito 
each other's ar??is, shaking with fright.') 

Prince. Good gracious, what was that ? 

Marie {laughing). Another tire gone ! 

King. I — I'm afraid the army has revolted ! 

Marie. The army ? Oh, have you an army ? 

King. Of course. 

Marie. How nice. May I have it to play with ? 

King. Certainly, my dear. {To Nasticus.) Nasticus, 
bring in the army and wind it up. But make sure it's in 
a good humor. 

Nasticus. Trust me, Your Majesty. 

{Exit, l.) 

King {leading Marie to chair up r.). Let's sit down. 
There's nothing makes me so tired as the army. {Enter l., 
the army, consisting of Nasticus, Nikita, Piper, Ginger 
and Slick. Nikita marks ti?ne 7vith her drum. March 
across stage l. to r. and across again, coming down front 
in a line facing audience. Shot heard off l. Slick drops 
his gun and runs off l. 2 E. The King jumps, and grabs 
Prof.) This thing has got to stop. Where's that fellow 
going ? 

Nasticus. After him, Ginger, and bring him back. 

{Exit Ginger, at l. 2 e.) 

King. There's bravery for you. A war wouldn't last 
long in this country if all the soldiers are like that fellow. 

(Ginger and Slick reenter at l. 2 e.) 

Slick. Is the war over? 

King {rising and coming down front). Where the 
dickens were you running to? 

Slick. I was practicing a retreat. 

King. A fine soldier you'll make. 

Slick. Well, I didn't join the guards to be shot at. 

King. What did you join for ? 



14 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

Slick. For three dollars a year and found. 
King. And a nice time they'd have finding you. {To 
Ginger.) What did you join the guards for, Ginger ? 
Ginger. I want to see the country. 

{The King returns to his seat with Prof.) 

Nasticus. Attention ! Eyes right ! 

Slick. My eyes are all right. 

Ginger. My eyes are all left. 

Nasticus. How do you make that out ? 

Ginger. My eyes are all left because I haven't lost 
them. 

Nasticus. Attention! Carry arms! {The army all 
take their guns in their arms.) Attention ! Right shoul- 
der shift arms ! 

{The army all exchange guns with each other.') 

King. What are you doing ? 

Piper. Shifting arms. 

King. I'll have you all shifted into the guard house. 

Nasticus. Attention! Left shoulder arms. {The army 
all awkwardly place guns over different shoulders.) Atten- 
tion ! Present arms ! 

{The army all rush up to him and hold out the guns for 

him to take.) 

King. What the deuce are you doing now ? 
Ginger. Presenting arms. 

King. Now aren't they the governor's little things? 
Nasticus. Attention ! Rest arms. 

{The army all sit down suddenly?) 

King. And what do you call that? 

Slick. Resting arms. 

King. Get up out of that. The enemy would have an 
easy job getting rid of you without firing a shot. 

Nasticus. On your feet. {They all stand up.) About 
face. ( They all turn around, but each a different way, and 
Ginger turns around two or three times , first one way tlien 
the other.) January — February — March. {They march up 
stage.) Whoa! {They stop.) Show your faces. {They 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 15 

turn around as before.) April — May — March. (They 
march down front.) Whoa! (They stop.) Take aim! 
(They hold guns as if to shoot.) Fire! (All drop guns 
and run out.) Dinner's ready ! (All come running in.) 

King. Now they can be found. 

Nasticus. On the bread line. (They form in line with 
backs to audience.) Back up. (They march backuuard and 
pick 7ip their guns.) Whoa ! (They stop.) Your faces to 
the ladies. (Turn and face the audience.) 

King. Now let us hear you sing the song of the regiment. 
(Song and chorus may be introduced here. The last chorus 
full of discords. King to Nasticus.) This thing has got 
to stop. They are a nice lot of soldiers, I don't think. You 
must feel proud of them. Take your guards and get right 
out of here. ( The army with Nikita at the head beating time, 
then Nasticus, followed by the others in single file, march off 
L. u. E. Marie and the Prince stroll off r. u. e. All the 
others enter house by door or exit at entrances R. 1 and 2. 
March played by the orchestra. Prof, looks at the King 
and laughs.) Well, what are you laughing at? This thing 
has got to stop. 

Prof. If Your Majesty will pardon my being personal — 
your feet are not mates. 

King (looking at his feet). You are right. I forgot to 
keep my best foot forward. 

(Changes his feet so that the one in the boot is in advance of 
the slippered one.) 

Prof. Your valet must be getting very careless. 
King. It isn't his fault. It is my uncle's. 
Prof. Your uncle ? I never heard you had one. 
King. That is not strange. There are some things that a 
college student could teach a college professor. 

(Whispers in Prof.'s ear.) 

Prof. Ah, I see ; your uncle is the man who has three 
golden balls for a coat of arms. 

King. Exactly — you grasp the idea. But what do you 
think of my horseless carriage ? 

Prof. Your horseless carriage ? 

King. Yes, my royal chariot, propelled by my Black 
Diamond. 



l6 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

Prof, (laughing). It doesn't burn much gasoline. 

Rita (heard off). Professor! Pro-fes-sor ! 

King (sinking into chair). Help ! I'm assassinated. 
What was that? 

Prof. Only my wife calling me. 

King. Let her call. 

Prof. Oh, no, I must go, really. 

King. I'd like to see the woman could run me like that. 

Prof. Say, were you ever married ? 

King. Not much — I mean not many — that is, very 
seldom. 

Prof. Then you don't know these new women. 

King. No; what do they want? 

Prof. Oh, they want everything — power, place, political 
influence. They want the big tilings of life. The trivial 
things no longer interest them. They 

Rita (angrily). Pro-fes-sor ! 

Prof. Yes, my love ; what do you wish ? 

Rita. Come here at once and hook up my dress in the 
back. 

Prof. Yes, my dear; yes. {Hurries out R.) 

King. It's the same old woman. 

(Specialty by the King, if desired. The King goes to porch.) 
(Enter Slick, r. u. e.) 

Slick (calling off r.). Come on, Stella. This is the 
place. 

King. Well, well, who opened the door and let that in? 

Stella Foxky. Will-urn — Will-urn — Will-urn ! Wait for 
me. Somebody will steal me. 

Slick. No such good luck. (To Stella.) Hurry up, 
Stell — here's a hash foundry. Now all we need is a meal 
ticket. 

(Enter Stella, r. u. e.) 

Stella. Ah, Will-um, that delicious aroma of ham 
and eggs. Are those real eggs ? 

Slick. I have my doubts. Pork and beans for mine. 

{They both rush to the hotel steps to be met by the King.) 

King. Huh — throw up your hands. (Uses his hand 
like a revolver. Slick and Stella stop.) Down upon your 
knees. This thing has got to stop. 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 1J 

(Slick and Stella both drop on their knees and hold their 

hands up.} 

Stella. We're kilt. We're kilt. Why did I ever leave 
Boston ? 

Slick. Hush, Stell, you're making too much noise for 
a corpse. Leave that noise business for the mourners. 

King. Grovel in the dust, you pale faced intruders. 

Stella. He is no gentleman. (Bows.) 

Slick. Don't you care what he says as long as he doesn't 
tie you to a stake and roast you alive. (Bows.) 

King. What do you mean by entering my presence in 
this manner? I — the King of Timbuctoo. 

Slick (rising a?id rushing up to him). Ah there, 
Your Majesty. I didn't recognize you at first. (To Stella.) 
It's the King. 

King. Who are you ? 

Slick. I'm the ace of diamonds. Shake. 

King. This thing has got to stop right here. Down, 
dog. (Slick kneels again by Stella's side.) Crawl to me 
on your hands and knees. (They do as directed.) Now you 
may kiss my hand. (They do so.) Now rise and explain 
who you are — state your business — and say where you're 
going when you die. 

Stella. Dye — did he say ? Never — not after all I spent 
to get my hair bleached yellow. 

Slick. I am William Slick. Bill for short. I'm a show- 
man. 

King. Weren't you in my army? 

Slick. Certainly, Your Majesty. I'll try anything once. 
This is Stella Foxey, America's greatest prima donna and — 
unfortunately for me — my wife. We're out here getting at- 
mosphere for our next production. 

King. How did you get here? 

Slick. The sun burnt a hole in the roof of our air-ship. 
The ship went to the bottom of the atmosphere, and we 
found ourselves in Timbuctoo. 

King. What kind of a showman are you ? 

Slick. The real kind. I'm a joy starter — a bene- 
factor. 

King. That listens good. Elucidate. 

Slick. I make two blades of fun grow where there was 
only one ingrowing gloom. 



1 8 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

King. Do you? (Looks gloomy. ,) Go ahead. Make 
me laugh. 

Slick. Oh, first, Your Majesty, I must read your mind, 
and find what you will laugh at. 

King. Can you read minds? 

Slick. Of course, Your Majesty. It's our feature act. 

King. A slick trick, eh ? 

Slick. It's no trick, Your Majesty. Shall I prove it to 
you ? I'll show you what's on your mind right this instant. 

King. Go as far as you like. 

Slick. Allow me. ( Takes off the King's hat and hands 
it to him.) There it is, Your Majesty. 

King. What ? 

Slick. What you had on your mind. 

King. You're all right. I may not have you boiled in 
oil after all. What does she do? (Points to Stella.) 

Slick. Why, she's endowed with the astral soul which 
leaves its earthly abode, soars among the spheres, and re- 
turns to her laden with messages from those that have gone 
before. She quickly scans the pages of one's life, and tells 
you every act of yours from the day you were born up to 
and including the present moment. 

King. Oh, pshaw, I don't believe that. 

Slick. I'll prove it to you. 

King. Well, I know all about my past, and don't care 
having you telling it right out loud here in front of the hotel. 
How about the future or the present? 

Slick. All right, I'll give you a reading. ( Takes a chair , 
places it in center of stage d. F. Places Stella in it facing 
the audience. Goes througJi the motions of placing her un- 
der the influence of a hypnotic sleep, talking ad lib. while 
doing so. Stella takes a seat in the chair. At first stares 
at Slick as if fighting off the Jiypnotic in flue?ice, but gradually 
nods, closes her eyes, muscles relax and she feigns sleep. 
Then Slick drapes her with a large American flag or large 
bright or Oriental cloth, fully enveloping the body in front. 
Then he crosses to L. I E., and picks up the various articles 
named, crosses in front of her and waves each article in the 
air over her head. Quickly asks.) What kind of a hand- 
saw have I in my hand now ? 

Stella. A hand-saw. 

Sf.iCK (holding it up impressively). A hand-saw ! 

King. Hold on. Let me look at that. (Comes down 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 19 

and takes hand-saw. ) That's right. A real hand-saw, 
ain't it? I don't see how she saw it. 

Slick {busi?iess as before). What kind of a tack ham- 
mer have I in my hand now ? 

Stella. A tack hammer. 

King {after examining it as before). That's right. 
Every knock is a boost. 

Slick {same business). What kind of a silk handker- 
chief have I in my hand now? 

Stella. A silk handkerchief. 

Xing. Immense. 

Slick {repeating business). What kind of a Waterbury 
watch have I in my hand now ? 

Stella. Waterbury watch. 

Slick {quickly taking hold of King). What king am I 
touching now ? 

Stella. The King of Timbuctoo. 

{These questions and answers must be given quickly.) 

Sr.iCK {to the King). Do you like the show? 

King. Do I? You bet I do, and you are just the man 
I want. 

Slick. I am yours forever if there is any dough in it. 

King. There are millions in it. May I see you 
alone ? 

Slick. Why, cert — just you wait a minute. {Removes 
the covering from Stella and awakens her by snapping his 
fingers and rubbing her hands. Stella moves a little at 
first. Then a big shiver. Opens her eyes. Stares around 
in a bewildered manner.) You go right into the tavern, 
Stell, and order the best the house affords. Tell them it's 
on the King. 

King. Well, all right. {Exit Stella into house at r.) 
Maybe I'll never pay the bill. 

Slick. What do you mean ? 

King. Are we alone ? 

Slick. Yes, I am with you. 

{Busifiess of saying " s-s-s-h," as he grabs the King by the 
hand and softly tiptoes to various entrances at l. and r., 
and repeats " s-s-s-h " at each entrance. Then both come 
down c to front.) 



20 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

King. Then listen. According to the Constitution of 
Timbuctoo I am allowed to reign only twenty-five years, 
at the expiration of which 1 retire on half pay 

Suck. Well, that's more than they do for a President 
of the United States. They hide him in a college or let him 
go hang himself. 

King. And the throne goes to the next heir — my son — 
the Prince De Kaciack 

Slick. Well, you should worry and get a red nose. The 
job's still in the family. 

King. But the worst is yet to come. 

Slick. What? 

King. Unless I can produce a happy woman — whether 
a native or foreign born, it matters not which — I lose not 
only my crown, but my head. Now my reign will terminate 
in thirty days, and I want you to find the happy woman. 

Slick. Oh, that'll be dead easy. 

King. If you are successful 1 will give you four hundred 
thousand piasters, and I will make you the Prime Minister 
of Timbuctoo. But 

Slick. How these buts keep " buttin' in." Go on. 

King. If you fail, you lose your head as well as I do 
mine. 

Slick {making a motion of cutti?ig off his head'). Say, 
can't you cut that part out? It is unconstitutional to my 
constitution. 

King. Those are the terms. Do you accept? 

Slick. You bet I do. {Grasps the King's hand and 
shakes it hard, fast and furious.') There's my hand on it. 
It's the best winning proposition I ever went up against. 
Why, it's a lead pipe cinch. (77/^ King gets his hand hose 
and stands trying to pull the numbness out of his fingers.) 
Let's shake again. 

King. No, thank you — I'm no admirer of the " Grizzly 
Bear Hug." 

Slick. All right. I accept the proposition anyway. 

King. You've got to make good, or {They both 

draw fijigers across throats. Piper enters at L. I E. 
King to Piper.) Hello, Irish. 

Piper. Don't call me Irish. 

King. Well, me Ambassador from Cork, give this man 
the best the house affords, and charge it up to the " Nobility." 

Piper. All right — just as you say. 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 21 

(Bows and the King enters the house followed by Slick and 
Piper. A drill or fancy costume dance may be introduced 
here by the following girls — Marie, Nikita, Lill, 
Goldie, Pansy and Violet. Something suitable may 
be obtained front the books of drills issued by the publish- 
ers of this play. ) 

(At the close of this number Slick enters from house at r.) 

Slick. Once more, Stell, we are living on the fruits of 
the Jersey cow. 

Stella (follozving Slick from r.). Thank goodness — 
yes — and it's about time. 

Slick (aside). Here's where I make my four hundred 
thousand piasters. (To Stella.) And now, of course, 
with all such comfort, you are happy. 

Stella. No, indeed, I am not. How could you get any 
such foolish notion in your head ? 

Slick (aside). She only wants coaxing. (To Stella.) 
Why not, pray tell ? 

Stella. How can you expect anybody to be happy so 
far from Broadway ? Why, I'd sooner live in (local) than 
here. 

Slick. Yes, it is a little dull, I will admit. But what 
do you care about that if you only have all you want in 
this world ? 

Stella. But I haven't ; that is just the trouble. 

Slick. What does tootsie-wootsie want now ? 

Stella. Well, I want a sealskin sack. 

Slick. A sealskin sack ? It is too warm to wear one here. 

Stella. And I want a diamond ring. 

Slick {getting more and more worried). What good 
would a diamond ring do you in this forsaken country ? 
There's no place to hock it. 

Stella. Well, how can anybody be happy traveling 
without even a trunk? 

Slick. Don't you like the scenery? 

Stella. It won't satisfy the hunger of the stomach. 
Now, if I had only married Peter, instead of going on the 
stage 

Slick. Peter — what Peter? Saint Peter? 

Stella. No, not Saint Peter, but Peter Conic Sections 
. — I would now be a lady of rank and station as the wife of a 
member of the Harvard Faculty. 



22 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

(Exits in a huff, swishing her skirts.) 

Suck (imitating her). Wow — mee-ovv — wow ! What a 
long tail our cat has got. I wish you had your old Professor 
— you'd be worth 'a mint to me right now if you had mar- 
ried him. But where shall I find the happy woman ? (Suck 
may introduce a song and specialty here. Violet, Pansy, 
Goldie and Lill enter r. u. e.) Hello, here's luck. 
There is a whole flock of pretty girls. All of them look 
happy. I'm sure to find at least one in that job lot. 

Violet. Look, girls, there is a strange man on the 
premises. 

Pansy. Good gracious, let us call for help. 

Goldie. Don't do it, girls. You will scare him away, 
and real live men are scarce. 

(They all stroll down front, arm in arm, girl fashion.) 

Slick {approaching theni ; boiui?ig very politely). Par- 
don me, ladies — I am looking for a happy woman. Can any 
of you fill the bill ? 

Violet. Happy, indeed ! How can anybody be happy 
living in this lonely country, and nobody to flirt with? 

Slick. You poor thing. How would I do ? But you ? 

(To Pansy.) 

Pansy. Happy — well, I should say, " Aber Nit." 
With the summer nearly gone, and I have received only 
three engagement rings. 

Suck. Now that is really too bad. Here is one I got 
with Green Trading Stamps. 

(Hands her a cheap diamond ring.) 

Goldie. I haven't been shopping for weeks and weeks, 
and when I think of the bargains in the stores at home 

(Sobs.) 

Slick. But think of the money you are saving. 

Lii.l (sobbing). And I've just received a letter from 
home saying poor little Fido is dead. 

Slick (sobbing, too). Poor little Fido ! I am sorry I 
spoke. (Exeunt the girls arm in arm at r. i e. 
Slick turns and watches them go off, then faces front.) 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 23 

I should have known better than to have appealed 
to the " Idle Rich." They have the time to dig up imagi- 
nary ailments. I'll scout around the domiciles of the lowly 
natives, whose time is too fully occupied in digging up a 
living to be unhappy. 

{Goes to porch of house R., and takes la?iter?i from a nail 

there.) 

{Enter Ginger, r. i e.) 

Ginger. I say dar, boss, what are you a-doing with that 
air lantern ? Did you lose anything ? 

Slick. No, I am only looking for a happy woman. 

Ginger. What, with a lantern? That's no way to do it 
shuah, boss. 

Slick. Well, how would you do it? 

Ginger. Just dis here way, boss. The only way to find 
a happy woman in Timbuctoo is to make love to her. And 
you'll get there every time. Your way may be all right 
where you come from, but it won't go here — see ! 

{Enter Nasticus, l., and listens to others unseen.) 

Slick. A great scheme. I'll work it the next chance I 
get. Who'd 'a' thunk it ? 

{Exit, r. Nasticus comes down c) 

Ginger. That air white man is plumb foolish. The idea 

of lookin' for a happy woman with a lantern. Why 

{Sees Nasticus.) Mah goodness, man, what you mean 
sneakin' roun' like dat ? 

Nasticus. Hist ! Why's that fellow looking for a happy 
woman ? 

Ginger. Well, I done heard 'em say the King has to 
have one right away, or lose his job. He's offerin' a big 
reward. 

Nasticus. You don't say ! Well, I guess I'll win that 
money. I'll bring him the lady. (Ginger laughs and 
laughs. Nasticus looks hurt.) What's the matter ? 

Ginger. Excuse me, boss, but you couldn't find no 
lady. 

Nasticus. Why not ? 

Ginger. Why, you'd scare 'em all to death. 



24 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

Nasticus. You don't know me. I'm going to surprise 
them. There's a new coon in town, and his name's Willie 
Green. Watch me get that money. 

(Exit, l.) 

Ginger (laughing'). Ha ! (Again.') Ha ! Them 
white men's crazy. Happy woman, eh ? Takes dis here 
chicken to produce dat article. Wish my yaller gal were 
here now. I'd show him de happiest female in all Tim- 
buctoo. 

(Introduce a "coon song" here. At the end the orchestra 
leader throws Ginger a bouquet of artificial flowers with 
a string on it, and as Ginger attempts to pick it up the 
leader pulls it away, and Ginger does a funny fall. Re- 
peats the last chorus and exits at r. i e.) 

(Enter Prof, and Stella at r. u. e.) 

Prof. It is indeed a pleasure to meet you again. But 
who would have ever thought of coming across you here in 
this wild country? 

Stella. The pleasure is not all yours, my dear Peter, 
and I am as delighted to see a familiar face amongst all these 
heathens. 

Prof. Surely you are not here all alone. Where is your 
husband ? 

Stella. Oh, he is around somewhere with a lantern 
looking for a happy woman. 

Prof. Looking for a happy woman? Why, what does 
he want with a happy woman, especially when he is so 
fortunate as to have you ? 

Stella. Oh, you flatterer ! I suppose if he finds one 
he will put her in a tent and exhibit her all over the world 
as the greatest living curiosity. 

Prof. Is a happy woman such a curiosity? 

Stella. I don't think so, do you? 

Prof. Well, after giving the matter most careful thought 
— and taking into consideration my personal experience with 
womankind — I am compelled by my respect of truth to an- 
swer in the affirmative. 

Stella. Oh, Professor, how can you even think of such 
dreadful things, let alone saying them? 

Prof. So your husband is a showman ? 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 25 

Stella. Yes, Will-ura was always taken up with the 
circus business. Surely you remember William Slick? 

Prof. What, " Billy" Slick from Squedunk, Maine? I 
should say I did. Why, we all used to go to school together. 
Indeed I remember when ''Rube," you and 1 all went to 
the school down at the "Corners," and Bill and I would 
always try to bring you the reddest apple. 

Stella. Now, Professor 

Prof. Yes, indeed, and many was the fight we had in 
the winter as who would draw you home on a sled. But, 
Stella, you didn't marry Bill Slick, did you? 

Stella. Yes, I did, and it was your fault, too. 

Prof. Ah, Stella, if you hadn't misunderstood me ! 

(Prof, and Stella may sing " We were lovers at school" 
as a duet. At the conclusion Rita enters at R. 1 e. , 
crosses to them and angrily addresses Stella.) 

Rita. I'll teach you, you hussy, to flirt with my husband 
when my back is turned. Bah — I'd like to scratch your 
eyes out. And as for you — (turning to Prof.) you 
apology of a man — what are you doing here making love 
to a strange woman ? 

{Takes him by the ear and leads him off at r. i. e.) 

Prof. Yes, my dear, I'm coming. 

Stella (ivatchifig them as they exit, then slowly crossing 
to l. 2 e., then turning and addressing the audience). Now, 
why shouldn't women vote? 

(Exit at l. 2 e.) 

(Enter Nikita and Slick at r. u. e., stop at a settee.*) 

Slick. At last, my precious little pearl — my own sweet 
love — (dropping on one knee) my cherished one — at last I 
have the opportunity I have long sought for to tell you — my 
darling (with eyes o?i the ground ; Nikita exits quickly 
and quietly at r. 2 e. as Marie enters at r. 2. e. and stands 
back of Slick, silently laughing at him) — peaches and 
cream — of the fire that is eating me up all for the love of you. 

Precious one, I cannot live without you (Looks up 

and sees that Nikita has departed. Kneels on both knees. 
Then turns and continues speech to Marie.) I must con- 
fess my pure unadulterated two pints to the quart love for 
you 



26 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

Marie. Oh, come off your perch, birdie — Willie Green 
just told me that same old old story. Why don't you hunt 
up a new one and then perhaps you'll capture a good 
listener and one that will believe in you. 

Suck (rising). Oh, he did, did he? Who'd 'a' thunk 
it? {Aside.') I must change my tactics. Lovely weather 
for the time of year. 

Marie. Oh, my, no ; it is entirely too warm for such a 
discussion. 

Slick. Well, what do you say to politics ? 

Marie. I just love politics. 

Suck. Well, then, all right. {They both take seats on 
the settee.) First we have protection. That is, for example, 
I place my arm around your waist. (He does so.) 

Marie. Oh, I don't mind that. In fact I am a firm be- 
liever in protection. 

Slick. That's just fine, as it removes ail chance of an 
argument. But how about reciprocity? 

Marie. As I understand the game of politics that too 
goes with reciprocity. 

Slick. Then you should put your arm around my neck. 

Marie (doing so). Oh, that too is a regular habit of 
mine — when hidden in a shady nook. 

Slick. Wow — wouldn't we look good in a New York 
flat together ? (Resume their former positions.) But how 
about Free Trade ? 

Marie. That too has its advantages — but it should not 
be practiced if it in any way causes hardship to home in- 
dustries. 

Slick. Then I may kiss you without paying duty? 

Marie. But I am afraid in this instance Free Trade 
would cause hardship to your home industries. 

Suck. I am afraid I don't just understand ? 

Marie. Kisses without duty break up families. 

Slick. I'll risk it if you will. Are you ready ? 

Marie (as if impatient). Yes, yes, for goodness' sake. 
Don't keep me waiting. 

Slick (straightening up looks admiringly at Marie, who 
has puckered up her lips and is ivaiting). I say, boys, don't 
you wish you were me? (Takes her face in his hands a?id 
draws it toiuard him.) Oh, my, but isn't that a lovely 
mouth ? (A/most kisses her, then draws back.) Just sweet 
sixteen and never kissed. (Another move as if to kiss her.) 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 2J 

Sixteen to one. She's sixteen and I am one. (Takes his 
hand and rubs one of her cheeks with his fingers.) Oh, 
my, what a lovely complexion. (Repeats the rubbing, but 
this time on the other cheek.} Twenty-five cents a box. 
(Another move as if to kiss her.) But I could just die 
doing this. (Repeats move as if to kiss her.} And I would 
die if my wife were to see me. (Takes her face in hands 
and looks admiringly at it. Marie again puckers up her 
lips for a kiss.) But I will do it if it kills me. Here 

goes 

Marie. I think I hear some one coming. 

(Slick rises and looks off stage and across stage but al- 
ways with his back to Marie, who exchanges places 
with Ginger and then exits at r. 2 e. Slick sits down 
without looking and kisses Ginger, who jumps up and runs 
off at r. 1 E.) 

Slick (calling after him). Say there — hold on — wait a 
minute. I don't mind changing my luck from white to 
black if you are only happy. (Sees that it was Ginger.) 
Well, well, who would 'a' thunk it ? (Enter Rita. Song 
by Rita may be introduced during which Slick goes into 
hotel and reenters at end of song.) Ah, ha ! there's that 
freak. The new woman. Surely if any one is happy it 
must be she. (Crosses to her, and bows.) Pardon me, 
Madame, I thought you were Mrs. (local name) — but I see 
that 1 am mistaken. 

Rita. Why, do you really think I resemble her in any 
way? 

Slick. Yes, indeed — you have such a happy expression ! 

Rita. But I'm not happy. Did you ever see a new 
woman that was really happy? Besides, just for a social 
position, I married a man old enough to be my father and I 
just caught him in the arms of another woman. Oh, how 
my heart yearns for some one to love — some one who will 
truly love me in return and be true to me. 

Slick. Don't despair, my darling, for you have just 
spoken the words that express the feelings of my own lonely 
heart. I too yearn for some one to love. 

Stella (off stage at r. 2 e.). Come in here, you old 
flirt, and put out that lantern. 

Rita. There's the vile wretch who has stolen my hus- 
band from me. 



28 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

Suck. Great Coesar, that is my wife ! You had better 
vanish if you don't want to lose your back hair. {Exit 
Rita at r. u. e.) Well, now, who'd 'a' thunk it? 

{Introduce here a song by Slick.) 

{Enter Stella at l. i e. Crosses over to Slick.) 

Stella. Now you come on into the house. You've got 
a reserved seat at a curtain lecture for about an hour and a 
half. 

Slick. Well, who'd 'a' thunk it ? 

{Exits into house, fotlowi?ig Stella.) 

(Violet, Pansy, Goldie, Nikita and Lill, costumed 
similar to Rita, accompany her on the stage in a singing 
and dancing number. All carry canes with ribbons same 
as those used in cuffs and color of tie, each to use a differ- 
ent color. Rita wears a high hat, the others derby s or 
soft hats, but all alike. " The Tive?itieth Century Girls. 11 
At the close as they dance off Ginger comes dancing on 
at R. U. e., coming down front.) 

Ginger. Hully gee, but 1'se having fun. Golly — how 
mad that low white trash got when he kissed dis chile instead 
of dat white gal. 1 wants my honey. 1 wonder where she 
am. {Sings " I want yer, my Honey. 11 While singing 
Ginger has trouble with his feet, and co?icludes with his 
standing on his own foot at the conclusion of last verse.') 
Git off my foot. I say git off my foot. If you don't get 
off my foot I'll smash you good and hard. {Tries to 
pull one foot off the other.) Git off my foot. (Tries to 
walk away.) If you don't git off my foot I'll separate yo' 
bref from yo' body. 

{Enter Slick from inn with a shotgun in his hand.') 

Suck. What's the matter, Charcoal? 

Ginger. Somebody am a-standing on my foot, an' he 
won't let me move, sah. 

Slick. You're on your own foot. 

Ginger {looking down a?id seeing that he is standing on 
his own foot). Hull, golly, so I is. Gee whiz, an' it was 
me standin' on my own foot all dis time. I declare to 
goodness if I'd know'd that I'd a-pushed mahself away. 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 20, 

Slick. Now I've got you for playing that trick on me. 
Ginger. So you has. But you'se got to " cotch : ' dis 
nigger first. My hat — my hat — 1 want my hat. 

{Keeps repeating this ad lib. Ginger's hat has been tied to 
a black thread which is tied over a border and as he starts 
to run the hat is pulled up into the wings.) 

Slick. Shut up, you fool nigger. I'll get you your 
hat. {Takes his shotgun.) 

Gjnger. Look at President Roosevelt hunting big game 
in Africa. 

(Slick takes aim and fires. Old hats come /ailing down. 
Ginger runs, trying on first one and then another until 
he comes across his own hat.) 

Slick. If I could only find a happy woman as easily as 
that. Hello, here's more of them. 

{All characters enter from both sides of the stage singing the 
chorus of the " Twentieth Century Girls" song above. 
Form in line for closing chorus or fnedley of popular 
songs, which any one understanding music can readily 
arrange.) 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

The Fever 

SCENE. — The same as for previous Act 

(At the rise of the curtain ope?iing chorus of some 
popular song with dances, etc., by the entire company. At 
conclusion of chorus all exeu?it except the King and 
Ginger.) 

King. I say, coal dust, has the prime minister arrived 
yet with the happy woman ? 

Ginger. No, sah. 

King. What, not here yet ? Well, this is a pretty serious 
how to do. The last day of my reign and no happy woman. 

Ginger. Me royal kinglets seems to have something on 
his mind. 

King. So would you — if you had any mind. 

Ginger. What would I be ? 

King. Be in trouble. 

Ginger. Oh, that is easily found if you are looking for it. ' 

King. Looking for what ? 

Ginger. Looking for trouble. 

King. This thing has got to stop. 

Ginger. 'Deed, boss, I didn't start anything. 

King. Now don't get gay. 

Ginger. You are the gayest thing around here. 

King. What's that ? You pass right out of here. 

Ginger. I said I hoped you didn't think I was gay. 

(Starts to leave.') 

King. Oh, here, where are you going? 
Ginger. To pass right out of here. 
King. Well, come back. Look here, you orang-outang ! 
Ginger. What lovely pet names he has got for me. 
King. You know time's up to-day. 
Ginger. That's right, boss. 

King. If I don't produce one happy woman by the time 
of the Coronation to-day I'm a goner. 

3° 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 3 1 

Ginger. My, my ! You'll make an elegant funeral. 
Do I git 

King. Quit that talk. You make me nervous. Say, I 
have an idea. 

Ginger. What's that, boss ? About the funeral ? 

King. No, no. You be the happy woman. 

Ginger. What ! Me ? 

(Faints. Holds hand to head as if struck and reels back- 
ward.*) 

King. Yes, you. It will not prove difficult after I show 
you how. All you need to do is put on an old calico 
wrapper, and wear a broad smile, with an old bonnet and 
heavy black veil, and you will look for all the world like a 
happy woman. 

Ginger. Play the happy woman ? Well, I don't think. 
Your riddle book needs a set of new answers. It'd be be- 
neath my manly dignity. 

King. What ! Do you refuse ? Who picked you up 
out of the gutter? Who bought you that plug hat ? Who 
loaned you that boiled shirt ? And when are you going to 
return to me my socks ? 

Ginger (frightened). You — my Ian', boss, don't talk 
dat-away ! 

King. Now, will you be the happy woman ? 

Ginger. Does I get my salary raised ? 

King. Yes, your back salary. 

Ginger. Den I'll be de happy woman. Where do I 
do it? 

King. Right here. I'm going to have the throne set up 
here where it's nice and cool. 

Ginger. What do I say ? 

King. When I ask if there is a happy woman in this 
mighty assemblage, you say, "Yes, Your Majesty." Then 
I will ask you your name. You are to reply, " Mademoiselle 
La Tapioca." The next question will be your age. To 
this you answer hesitatingly, "Thirty-five." 

Ginger. But, boss, l'se more dan forty. 

King. As a man you may be forty, but turning into a 
woman takes five years off your age right away. 

Ginger. 'Deed, boss, I done never thought ob dat. 

King. After telling your age is thirty-five, you will be 



32 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

asked whether married or single. You reply that you are a 
lonesome widow. 

Ginger. Den I'se both married an' single. I must be a 
grass widow. 

King. The next question will be, " Why are you happy ? " 
To this you answer, "Because your husband died and left 
you five hundred dollars life insurance." 

Ginger. But I didn't ever get any five hundred dollars 
life insurance. 

King. Of course you don't get any five hundred dollars 
life insurance. You just pretend you got it. 

Ginger. Oh, I gets it an' I done not get it. Dat's the 
usual way I gets man salary. I gets it on the first of the 
month, but by the first of the next month I done don't get 
what was coming to me the first of last month nor de first of 
the month befo' dat. 

King. Your salary's got nothing to do with your being 
a happy woman. So we'll just drop it right here. 

Ginger {begins looking ail over the ground ; getting 
down 011 his hands and knees as if looking for something). 
I don't see it nowhar, boss. 

King. What you looking for? 

Ginger. Dat air salary what you said we'd drop right 
here. 

King. I didn't drop anything. Can you remember all 
the things I have told you to say? 

Ginger. Has I got to say all dat? 

King. Yes, but that isn't much. Let me hear you re- 
peat what I told you to say. 

Ginger. I am de happy woman what walks right up and 
sits on the throne. 

King. No, you don't sit on the throne. 

Ginger. What does I do den ; spit on the throne? 

King. No, you don't spit on the throne. 

Ginger. No, I spit on the floor. 

King. You just walk up to the throne and bow. 

Ginger. Bow-wow ! What am I now, a dog ? I thought 
you said I was a shemale. 

King. No, you don't bow-wow like a dog. You salute 
by dropping your head. 

Ginger. Go on ; I don't drop my head. What would 
I do widout my head, I'd like to know? Just imagine me 
walking around wid no head ! How would I feed myself 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 33 

widout my mouth ? How could I see or hear? I'd get run 
over wid the first automobile what come along. 

King. There, there. Just walk up to the throne in this 
manner. (Shows him how to bow.) 

Ginger. Oh, why didn't you say so in the first place? 

King. What else are you to do ? 

Ginger. After I gets to the throne, I done tell 'em my 
name is I'm for sale Tapioca. 

King. Mademoiselle. 

Ginger. Yes, dat am it. What you said La Tapioca. 
Den I says I'se a single widow, 'kase I wear black. An' 
dat — dat I've got to have five hundred dollars to make me 
happy. 

King. No, no, you are happy because your husband 
died and left you five hundred dollars insurance money. 
Not that you've got to have five hundred dollars to make 
you happy. 

Ginger. Say, boss, couldn't you jes' let me have some of 
that five hundred dollars right now to make me feel happy? 

King. No, not a cent until after you tell your story. 

Ginger (resigned). Well, all right. 

King. Do you think you can do it ? 

Ginger. I'll do it or bust. 

King. Well, here is a twenty-dollar bill ; you go and 
pay for the ice-cream. The bill is three dollars. 

Ginger. Jes' as you say, your Royal Highness. [Aside.) 
I wonder where he got so much money. 

{Exit the King, r. 2 e.) 

(Enter Nasticus, l. 2 e., attired as a "dude" atid called 

Willie Green.) 

Nasticus. Aw thar, Ginger. I say, me deah boy, I've 
been looking for you all the morning. Here is a little letter 
I wish you to deliver to Princess Nikita. (Hands Ginger 
a very large envelope with a red seal shaped like a heart on 
the reverse side.) It is the regard expressed by my heart 
upon paper. 

Ginger. Golly, why didn't you send it by freight in- 
stead of expressing it? It would have been cheaper. 

Nasticus. Aw, Ginger, deah boy, be careful, I say. 
That letter is very precious. You will — er — see that it 
reaches her ladyship unharmed, chappie, deah boy? 



34 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

Ginger. Oh, she'll get it all right, all right. 

Nasticus. And here is something for your trouble. 
{Hands coin.) Er — 1 do hope it won't lead you into ex- 
travagance having such a large sum of money in your pos- 
session all at once. 

{Exit at L. ie.) 

Ginger (looking at coin). Oh, my, how generous. All 
of five cents. 1 hope he don't die from the enlargement of 
the heart. 

(Exit, R. U. Ei) 

(Enter Piper at r. i e. Crosses to settee. Opens the 
paper he is carrying in his hand.) 

Piper. I wonder if the advertisement of me new business 
is in the " Coomassi Daily Muck Rake." Ah, here is the 
"Want Column." It shure must be in here. For shure 
an' ain't it money we be after? (Reads advertisements.') 
"Annual sale now going on. Don't go elsewhere to be 
cheated; come here." (Aside.) I'll bet that store is crowded 
this morning wid bargain hunters trying to cheat the owner. 
He's too honest. The sherifT'll be selling him out next. 
"Wanted, an experienced nurse for a bottled baby." 
(Aside.) Shure an' dat baby must be smaller dan de ones I 
saw down at Coney Island in an incubator. But maybe 
they mane demijohn ; that looks more like it dan a baby in 
a bottle. "Furnished apartments suitable for a gintleman 
with folding doors." (Aside.) Shure, now, but the cost of 
living be going up if one must carry their own doors wid 
them whin they rent a room. "Wanted, a room for two 
gintlemen about thirty feet long and twenty feet wide." 
(Aside.) That air "Slick" chap ought to see thim men. 
He wouldn't lave them in that room ; he'd have them in a 
side show. "For sale, a pianoforte the property of a musi- 
cian with carved legs." (Aside.) I wonder if that guy 
was in a battle or a railroad wreck. "Mr. Brown, the 
furrier, begs to announce that he will make up gowns, coats, 
capes, etc., for ladies out of their own skins or out of his." 
(Reads a second time slowly.) This shure must be some 
skin game. " Wanted, a boy who can open oysters with a 
reference." (Aside.) I wouldn't allow a boy around my 
place who could open oysters with a reference. He might 
open the safe. " Bulldog for sale." (Aside.) That's just 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 35 

what I'm looking for. {Reads on.) "Will eat anything; 
very fond of children." (Aside.) Oh, no, I don't want that 
bulldog. I've got no " kiddies " at my house and he might 
get hungry and eat me. " Wanted, an organist and a boy 
to blow the same." {Aside.) The choir leader is soldier- 
ing on his job. He usually blows up the organist whenever 
the bunch strike a bum note. Here's another freak for 
Slick's Side Show. "Wanted, a boy to be partly outside 
and partly behind the counter." (Aside.) They don't want 
a boy — they want the Siamese twins. " Lost near Broadway 
and River Road, an umbrella belonging to a gintleman with 
a bent rib and a bone handle." Oh, yes, here 'tis, is it. 
"The Timbuctoo Industrial Promulgator Company. Capi- 
tal stock, fifty million piasters. The Hon. Piper Heidseick, 
president. Any person or persons overburdened with tainted 
money and desirous of getting rid of their troublesome 
wealth without pain or annoyance can do so by our new 
improved get rich quick process. They will find it to our 
advantage to let this company spend it for them in various 
money losing enterprises. Investments made without inves- 
tigation. Call at once at Suite Sixteen Bunco Building, 
Broadway, Coomassi, Timbuctoo. The subscription books 
never close." (To the audience.) Ah, that surely should 
do the trick. Soon I will be rolling in wealth. Here 
comes me first customer. 

(Enter Prof, at L. i E.) 

Prof. Good-morning, Irish. 

Piper. Don't call me Irish. 

Prof. I just heard about your disposing of the hotel at 
a handsome profit. I must congratulate you upon your re- 
markable business ability. I don't see how you could ever 
get any one to buy that tumble-down ruin. . 

Piper. Oh, that wasn't hard to accomplish, if one fully 
understands the situation. 

Prof. Why, what made it so easy ? 

Piper. Oh, the fellow that bought me out is a carpenter 
by trade, and the Carpenter's Union is on a strike and he 
wanted something to do. 

Prof. Wanted something to do? 

Piper. Yes ; don't you see ? He can fix the place up and 
not lose his card. 



36 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

Prof. I suppose you now will return to yotir native 
country and live in ease the remainder of your life. 

Piper. Oh, no, -not me. 1 haven't made my pile as 
yet. You see the reason I sold me swell elegant hotel was 
so as to give me entire attention to me new business. 

Prof. What kind of business have you engaged in? 

Piper. In the mining business. 

Prof. In the mining business ! 

Piper. Yis. 

Prof. Mining what? 

Piper. Minding me own business. But — I don't mind 
telling you it — I am now president of the Timbuctoo In- 
dustrial Promulgator Company. 

Prof. What kind of a company is that ? 

Piper. Well, siveral of us monied men of this country, 
realizing Timbuctoo has a brilliant future before it as an in- 
dustrial center, have organized a company for this purpose, 
knowing that the first in the field are sure to reap the larger 
benefits. 

Prof. What industries have you in mind? 

Piper. There are several. First, we propose crossing 
the lightning bug with the honey bee. 

Prof. And what do you expect to gain by crossing the 
lightning bug with the honey bee ? 

Piper. The honey bee will then be able to work at night 
— thus increasing its output fully one hundred per cent. 

Prof. Why, of course that is true. 

Piper. Second, we intend crossing the centipede with its 
many legs with the hog. 

Prof. What do you expect to gain from that hybrid ? 

Piper. That will enable us to gain a hundred shoulders 
and hams from one hog. 

Prof. Indeed, you've given your new project consider- 
able thought. 

Piper. The third plan involves the grafting of straw- 
berries with the milkweed. 

Prof. I suppose you plan by that process to increase the 
output of a strawberry plant by increasing the size of the 
plant. 

Piper. You're off your trolley, professor. This will 
enable us to gather strawberries and cream off the same plant. 

Prof. Strawberries and cream from the same plant — ah, 
now I see. 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 37 

Piper. Do you wish to invest any of your superfluous 
hard earned coin in the preferred slock, guaranteed to lose 
fully ten per cent, the first year ? We have a few shares un- 
subscribed for that are selling below par. 

Prof. Your company is only a bunco game. 

(Prof. indignant starts toward l. i e.) 

Piper. What — going? So you don't want any stock — 
eh ? Well, all I've got to say before we part is that you are 
missing a chance to get in on the ground floor in a good 
thing. 

(Prof, exits at l. i e. Piper may sing a typical Irish 
song here. After the last chorus Prince enters at r. 2 e.) 

Prince. Hello, Irish. 
Piper. Don't call me Irish ! 

Prince. Say, look what I found down the street. Can 
you beat it ? 

{Enter Nasticus as Willie at r. u. e., with his arm out 
as if a lady held it. He is pretending to be holding a 
conversation with his compa?iion.) 

Piper. Well, where did that grow? (Nasticus con- 
tinues the pantomime conversation, crosses to one of the settees, 
stops, takes out his pocket handkerchief, lays it very 
carefully but fully spread out upon the settee and bows and 
offers the seat as if to a lady.) Say, I'm goin' to ring for 
the patrol. He ought to be in the funny-house. 

{Starts to leave by l. i e.) 

Prince. Go on — I'll stay and watch him. (Exit Piper 
l. The Prince stands and watches Nasticus, who, after 
bowing, takes a seat as if by a female companion. Continues 
in pantomime a spooning conversation, as if first holding 
her hand, putting his arm around her waist, then as if 
hugging, kissing, and drops on his knees as if proposing. 
At this point the Prince walks up to him and slaps him on 
the back.) Well, old boy, what is the matter? 

Nasticus {rising and brushing off his knees, i?i panto- 
mime requests the lady to excuse him, bows, with hat in 
hand, and turns to the Prince). Ah, me, deah prince, 
your lovely sistah has returned to me — aw — my lettah 
that I — aw — sent her this morning in which I offered her — 



38 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

aw — my heart and hand. And — aw — 1 was — er — just keep- 
ing my hand in practice so as to make a — aw — propah love 
to the next lady. It's awful to be turned down, dean prince. 

Prince {looking at Nasticus suspiciously). Say, do you 
know a man named Nasticus ? 

Nasticus. S-s-sh ! My name's Willie Green — Willie 
Green. Don't forget it. I'm looking for the happy woman. 

Prince {laughing). You too ! Well, everybody's 
doing it. 1 must get into the game myself. Now I'll 
tell you about lovely woman as she really is. (Introduce 
here so fig "A Summer Night" from " Wang." At con- 
clusion the Prince takes Nasticus by the arm as Piper enters 
l.) Come on now, my boy, and I'll introduce you to a 
lady who's crazy to meet you. 

{Exeunt r.) 

Piper. If she wants to meet that feller she must be crazy. 
Hey, Ginger ! {Enter Ginger, l.) There's two more guys 
lookin' for a happy woman. Now I've got an idea. 

Ginger. Good. They're scarce around here. Let her 
come slow, boss. 

Piper. No real woman is really happy. 

Ginger. Dat's right, boss. 

Piper. Then we've got to make a woman to order. 
Let's see what we can do with those dolls of mine. 

Ginger. Fine, boss. 

{Brings the first doll from R. U. E.) 

{The Parisian dancing dolls. — Violet, Goldie, Pansy, 
Nikita and Lill are dressed to resemble dolls, in ivhite 
sheer material, trimmed each with a different color of 
ribbon, child fashion. One may be dressed like a rag 
doll if desired. Ginger brings each doll to an entrance, 
the first at r. u. e., the next L. U. E., then R. 2 E. , etc. 
He winds them up, and they walk to their places across 
the stage. Business may be introduced i?i keeping them 
in position. Some may fall over, holding up hand awk- 
wardly, etc. Nikita should be brought down c. and Piper 
should announce that this is the only talking and singing 
as well as dancing doll ever perfected. He touches but- 
tons here and there, and the doll carries on a conversa- 
tion and sings.) 

Piper. What is your name ? 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 39 

Nikita. Blanchette. 

Piper. Whom do you love? 

Nikita. Pa-pa — and — mam-ma — and Blanchette 

hungry. 

Piper. You're like all actors — always hungry. Who else 
do you love ? 

Nikita. Blanchette — loves — can-can-candy. 

Piper. Blanchette loves candy. So do all little girls 

Nikita. And — big ones, too. 

Piper (to Ginger). Now, listen to this. (2o Nikita.) 
Are you happy ? 

Nikita {waving her arms a?id smiling). Oh — so — 
hap-py ! 

Piper. There you are. I guess that's a poor idea of 
mine — not? The money comes this way. 

Ginger. Don't forget me when you're rich, boss. 

Piper. Don't worry. Now a little song, Blanchette. 
(Nikita sings some little childish ditty.) Now we will in- 
troduce to your attention our coterie of Parisian Coryphee 
dolls. (A dance is played, a waltz, schottische, fancy or 
skirt dance. The dolls dance to it about stage, bumping 
into each other, and as the dance proceeds first one and then 
the other runs down. As they run down they assume awk- 
ward positions, such as falling over, front, backward, sit- 
ting on the floor, one arm up, a leg outright, etc. As this 
happens, each time Ginger rushes to the?n, picks them up, 
rewinds with a ratchet toy, and starts them off dancing 
again. At the conclusion of the dance a chord is played 
and they all stop dancing, assuming position of being un- 
wound. At second chord they all straighten up. The third 
chord is a signal for them to bow, and then walk off, doll- 
fashion, r.) Just in time. There comes the King. He 
must not see these dolls yet. 

Ginger (frightened). The King ! My golly, he mustn't 
see dis doll, either. 

(He starts r., walking stiffly like one of the dolls.) 

(Enter the King, l.) 

King. Here, come back, you imp. (Runs to Ginger.) 
Where is that seventeen dollars change you owe me ? 

Ginger (continuing to walk like a doll). I'm a doll. I 
can't hear you. 



40 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

King (taking him by the ear). I know a grand cure for 
that kind of deafness. {Leads Ginger down c.) Now, 
where' s that seventeen dollars ? 

Ginger. Seventeen dollars? Why, you owe me that 
amount. 

King. How do you make that out ? 

Ginger. You gave me twenty dollars, didn't you ? 
And the ice-cream bill was three dollars. There is the 
receipt for three dollars (handing paper), and don't seven- 
teen and three make twenty ? 

King (coimting up). Hold on ; don't give it to me so 
fast. I'm no animated arithmetic or lightning calculator. 
( With one hand he counts three on his fingers, his back 
being turned to Ginger. With the other hand he counts 
seventeen. Then he coufits the three first 071 one hand and 
then the seventeen on the other hand, but slowly, losing 
count several times. But at last seems to be satisfied.) 
You are right. You gave me a receipt for three dollars, 
and here is your seventeen dollars. {Hands Ginger several 
bills, counting them aloud.) That makes twenty dollars, 
doesn't it? 

Ginger. Right you are, boss. 

(Then hurriedly exits at l. i e.) 

Piper. That looks like easy money. Watch me get 
some of it. 

(Goes out l. and immediately returns with suit-case.) 

King. Here is a chance to make money on Emerald 
Isle. Hello, Irish. 

Piper. Don't call me Irish. Oh, so it is you, Your 
Majesty ? 

King. Got a new suit there ? 

Piper. No, it's an old one. Say, the court tailor just put 
me on to a good thing. 

King (eagerly). What is it ? 

Piper. How to make trousers last. 

King. How ? 

Piper. Make the coat and vest first. 

King. This thing has got to stop. Look here ; give me 
three dollars and I'll give you twenty. 

Piper (setting doivn his suit-case). I'll do that. 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 41 

{Takes out three bills and hands to the King, who in relur?i 
hands him a yellow bill, or counts as before, " Five, 
ten" etc. Piper takes the money, picks up his suit-case, 
and exits at l. i e.) 

King {looking at the three bills). Wasn't he easy? 
[Stops and thinks. Slowly.) Let — me — see ? That's 
right — three for twenty. 1 am seventeen dollars ahead of 

the game. Seventeen and three {Then it daivfis 

upon him.) Stung i Hold on there; this thing has got to 
stop. (Runs after Piper, who reenters at L. IE.) 

Piper. What's the matter ? Are you a squealer? 

King. Squealer or no squealer, I'm out seventeen dol- 
lars just the same. 

Piper. Well, I'll give you a chance to get it back. 

King. How ? 

Piper. Why, I'll bet you twenty dollars that you can't 
carry that valise across the stage and back again and not set 
it down. 

( Walks across with the suit-case and back again and sets it 

down.) 

King. I'm game. 

Piper. Well, then, cover that. 

{Lays a bill on the stage.) 

King {doing the same with bill). And I'll bet you an- 
other twenty that I win both bets, just to show you I'm no 
tin- horn sport. {Puts doivn a second bill. Piper covers it 
ivith another bill. King picks up the suit-case a?id easily 
carries it across to r., then back to L., then back to C.) 
Why, this is a lead pipe cinch. 

{Sets down the suit- case and makes a dive for the money, 
just as Piper puts his foot o?i it.) 

Piper. You lose. {Stoops over and picks it up.) 

King. How do you make that out ? 

Piper. Didn't you just set the suit-case down ? 

King. You're right. {Looks off l. and sees Ginger 

coming.) Say, does Ginger know this one? He played 

the other one on me and I would like to win my money 
back. 

Piper. No, Ginger don't know this one. 



42 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

King. Ho, Ginger, you trigonometry compulator, come 
hither ! 

Ginger (sticking his head out at l. i e.). Did you call 
me, boss? (Aside?) Here's where I've got to scrap for 
them seventeen bones I done the old man out of. 

King. Want to get in a gentleman's game of chance? 
Understand, I say a gentleman's game of chance. Not a 
sandbag-up-a-dark-alley game like you are accustomed to. 

Ginger (aside). He ain't so mad. (To the King.) 
Sure, boss, I'll take a lone hand with you. What is it — 
pinochle, poker, or solitaire ? 

(Crosses to where Piper and the King are standing?) 

King. I'll bet you twenty that you can't carry this suit- 
case across the stage and back again without setting it down. 

Ginger. 1'se only got seventeen dollars, boss, but I'll 
bet the whole seventeen at once. 

King. Oh, I'll trust you for the other three. Here goes. 

(He lays down a yellow bill.) 

Ginger [slowly droppi?ig the seventeen bills he has in 
hand, then quickly pulling out the other roll and putting 
that down). And I'll bet you another seventeen that I win 
the bet. 

King (quickly cover ing it with another bill). And I'll 
bet you a third twenty that I win both bets. 

Piper. The race is on ; no more bets taken. 

Ginger (picking up the valise and sliding to L. i e., 
touching proscenium.) First base. (Then crosses to r. i 
e., as before, calli?ig out.) Safe on second. (Turns and 
comes to c. ; stoops as if to lay doiun the bag, but instead 
picks up a bill and kisses it.) Runner safe at third base. 

King (jumping up and doivn with glee). I win — I 
win ! 

(Rushes for the mo?iey, but Piper prevents his taking it as 
Gingrr conti?iues on to l. i e., and hangs the bag up on 
a nail there ; retur?is to c.) 

Ginger. Gib me de jack-pot, ole man. 
King. How do you win? Didn't you set it down over 
there ? 

Ginger. No, you boob, I hung it up. 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 43 

King {turning and looking'). Oh, piffle! so he did. 

(Ginger picks up the money with glee and exits at r. i e.) 

Piper (crossing to L. 1 E., taking suit-case down and 
turning to the King). Ginger seems to know all the good 
games, eh ? 

{Exit at l. 1 E.) 

King. This thing has got to stop. I'd better pass right 
out of here or that animated bunch of coal tar will flimflam 
me out of my gold teeth. 

{Exit at r. u. e.) 

{The Ti7nbuctoo Belles may be introduced here i?i a tam- 
bourine fancy dress drill. This drill used with a waltz 
step or Spanish dance movement can be adapted from a 
Tambourine Drill obtained fro?n the publisher, Stella, 
Rita, Nikita, Marie, Lill, Violet, Pansy and 
Goldie participating. At the co?iclusion Piper and the 
King enter together at R. 1 E.) 

Piper. I understand you're looking for a happy woman ? 

King. Yes, my precious neck depends upon one being 
produced in this country or give up my job. And the time's 
up to-day. 

Piper. You know old Doctor Bragg, who was here last 
winter ? He told me one day that the only way to get a 
happy woman is to fish for her. 

King. Fishing for women ! I never heard of such a thing. 

Piper. Well, it won't hurt to try it. 

King. Oh, all right; the excitement will help keep my 
mind off my troubles ; but where shall we get the fish poles, 
hooks and lines? 

(Enter Slick, l., carrying poles and lines.) 

Piper. Here, old man. Want to sell your outfit? 

Slick. Oh, I don't know. Goin' fishin' ? 

King. Yes ; we're going fishing for a happy woman. 

Slick. I've got just what you want — the invincible fish 
pole, hook and line, that is warranted never to fail. 

King. We'll take a couple right off the bat. 

Slick. Here you are, gentlemen. (Piper and the King 



44 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

take the poles and start to cross to l. 2 e.) Wait just a 
minute, gentlemen. You've neglected the most important 
part of the transaction. 

King. And what is that ? 

Suck. Why, the mazuma — the coin of the realm. 

King. Well, if that goes with the outfit why don't you 
trot it out ? 

Piper. He means you've neglected to pay for the poles. 

King. Oh, is that what he is driving at? Why the 
dickens didn't he say so in the first place ? (To Suck.) 
Well, what is the damage ? 

Suck. Those poles will cost you just one hundred dol- 
lars each. 

King. One hundred dollars for an old fishing pole? 
Here, take it back. 

Suck. But these are magic poles, guaranteed to catch 
whatever the owner fishes for. 

Piper. Remember the happy woman and your precious 
neck. {Makes a motion with hand across throat as if to 
cut off head.) Surely it's worth a couple of hundred to save 
that. 

Slick. The regular price is two hundred and fifty dol- 
lars each, but as 1 have only a few left, I'm making the 
price one hundred each. 

King. I never yet did see anything for a woman that 
didn't come high. Well, here's your two hundred, you old 
fakir. 

{Hands him the money. Piper and the King again start to 

cross to L. 2 E.) 

Slick. Hold on, gentlemen ; you've neglected the most 
important part of your outfit. 

King (coming back). Now what kind of a hold up game 
are you trying to pull off? 

Suck. Why, you haven't any bait. 

Piper. What kind of bait should we have? 

Suck. I'll show you. (Crosses to r. 2 e., and brings 
out an apple and an orange.) Here is the bait to catch a 
happy woman with. Sweets to the sweet. 

(Slick hands orange to Piper and the apple to the King.) 

King. It was an apple that caused unhappiness to Adam 
and Eve in the Garden of Eden. 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 45 

Piper. And I suppose now it works the other way — it is 
an orange that will cause happiness to Mother Eve's daugh- 
ters in the Garden of Love. 

King. Well, I suppose this is the right kind of bait. 
How much is it ? 

Slick. Fifty dollars for the apple, and the same for the 
orange. 

King. What! Fifty dollars for an old wormy apple? 

Slick. But this apple was picked from the same tree 
that Eve plucked her apple from. 

King. I don't want Mother Eve — she's too old to be 
happy. Here's your antiquated apple. Come on, Irish. 
I know a good place to dig some big fat and juicy angle- 
worms. {Starts to leave.} 

Pipek. Who ever heard of catching a woman with a 
worm ? 

King. It isn't because I haven't the hundred for the 
bait that I'm kicking, it's the encouragement we're giving to 
this fish bait trust. 

Piper. Isn't your precious neck worth another hundred ? 

King. That's so — I forgot all about that. Here's your 
hundred. Now where are we going to fish? 

Pipek. Why, from off the dock, of course. 

King. Off the dock? Dock who? 

Piper. Dock who? Why, dock nobody. Don't you 
know what a dock is ? 

King. 1 would if I could see one. 

{Turns and looks all around.} 

Piper {to Slick). Say, young man, could you direct 
us to a dock to fish from ? 

Slick. Why, certainly. {Points off to l. 2 e.) Here's 
one. 

{At this a counter or table on rollers with a scene painted 

across the front and the ends ?nade to resemble a dock is 

quickly shoved out from the wings. It should be about 

four feet long and three feet wide with four stools or 

boxes or nail kegs on it.} 

Piper {standing i?i front of it}. There's a dock. 
King. Look out or you'll get your feet wet. 
Piper. No danger now; the tide is out. 



46 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

King. Do we fish from that ? 

Piper. Why, certainly. {Jumps up on dock and sits on 
box.) Come on up here. 

{Exit Slick, r. 2 e. King attempts to get up by putting 
foot up on table. After a few funny falls, Piper takes 
him by the hand and pulls him up on the table.) 

King. Look out you don't let me fall, or I'll drown. 

{Both put the bait on their lines, then throw the lines out as 
if to fish. Ad lib. talk about fishing ; get their lines tan- 
gled up, then untangled, and throw them out again as 
Violet approaches from l. 2 e.) 

Piper. Keep quiet ; here comes a bluefish. 

(Violet enters at l. 2 e., attired in a blue dress. She strolls 
by the dock, paying no attention to the bait, then turns 
and walks back. Both try to get her attentiofi by dan- 
gling the bait in fro?it of her and pointing at it. As 
Violet gets in front of the apple she takes hold of it.) 

King (begins jumping up and down). I've got a bite. 
I've got a bite. 

Piper. Keep still, or you'll drive all the fish away. 

(Violet takes a bite out of the apple and then continues on 
way back to L. 2 e., and exits.) 

King. That wasn't a bluefish — that was a catfish. 

(Both resume the pantomime fishing and ad lib. conversation.) 

(Enter Prof, and Nasticus, l. u. e., the latter still dis- 
guised as Willie Green.) 

Prof. Hello, are you fishing? 

King. No, we're just dropping a line to the folks at 
home. 

Nasticus. I say, old chap, are the — aw — fish biting? 
King. No, but the mosquitoes are. 

(Slaps his cheek as if killing one. ) 

Nasticus. What are you fishing for? 
King. A happy woman. 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 47 

Nasticus. Oh, by Jove, I must be in this. May we join 
you? 

Piper. Come on in ; the water's fine. 

Nasticus. I say, old chappy, would you mind telling 
me where to get a pole and line? 

King. There's a telegraph pole on the next block. 

(Enter Slick at r. 2 e.) 

Slick. Do you gentlemen wish to fish ? 
Prof. Yes, kindly bring us a couple of poles. 
Slick, (doing so and handing o?ie to Prof, and the other 
to Nasticus). The price is one hundred dollars each. 
Nasticus. Talk about the high price of eggs ! 
Prof. Well, my man, here is your money. 

(Gives a couple of yellow bills to Slick. Prof, and Nasti- 
cus start to go to dock.) 

Slick. Wait a moment, gentlemen ; you haven't any bait. 

Prof. Oh, yes, I forgot about the bait. How much 
will that be? 

Slick. Ten cents to you. 

King (to Piper). Did you hear that? He only charges 
them ten cents for the bait, and we had to pay fifty dollars. 

Piper. Don't you care. What kind of woman can you 
catch with ten cent bait? 

Prof. Well, give us the bait. 

(Slick hands a pair of long gloves to Nasticus and a 
womaii s hat to Prof. They fasten the?n o?i their lines. 
Exit Slick, r. All four dangle lines.) 

(Enter Pansy at l. 2 E. She strolls toward the dock. All 
try to attract her attention by dangling their bait before 
her eyes. Pansy strolls past dock, winks and nods at 
Piper as she passes.) 

Piper (crying out). I've got a bite. 

(Pansy turns at r. 2 e. and nods to Piper to come on. She 
strolls doivn c. Piper jumps doiun from dock and catches 
up with Pansy, puts arm around her and crosses to 
l. ie.) 

King. Ask her if she's happy. Ask her if she's happy. 



48 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

(Pansy refuses to let Piper go farther than l. i e., a?id as 
she exits Piper returns to his place on the dock.') Wasn't 
she happy? 

Piper. She said she couldn't be happy with all those 
monkeys looking at her. 

{All four resume fishing as before.) 

(Goldie, Violet, Lill and Pansy enter at r. u. e., and 
stroll across toward the dock. The men on the dock com- 
mence waving their hands and hats at them as they ap- 
proach, and wave the bait in front of their faces as the 
four girls pass by the bait. They don't look at the bait, 
dock or fishermen. Exeicnt at l. 2 e.) 

Prof. Gentlemen, after much careful observation and 
deep study I've come to the conclusion that this bait is no 
good. 

Piper. What would you suggest ? 

Prof. There are two things that womankind are most 
susceptible to. 

Nasticus. Ice-cream soda and bonbons. 

Prof. That's for the debutantes. But the woman of 
society is attracted by either a title or money. 

King. I have the coronet. 

Piper. But who wants a second hand title — Mrs. Ex- 
King. 

King. Well, I ain't broke, an' I never did think this 
Italian Fruit Stand Sweets to the Sweet at fifty a throw 
would even catch a crab, let alone a real live mermaid. 

Piper. I think myself the Professor has solved the bait 
question. 

{All four take the bait off their hooks and put on yellow 
bills just as the four girls reenter at L. 1 E. They cross 
to dock, each taking hold of a line and the four men jump 
down from the dock and stroll off with the girls, with their 
arms around their waists. The dock is drawn off stage. 
All except King and Goldie exeunt r. 2 e.) 

King. Tell me, pretty one — could you be happy with 
me ? 

Goldie. Oh, I don't know. How ? 

King. How would you like me for a husband? 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 49 

Goldie. Oh, I had such an awful dream about husbands 
last night. 

King. I hope I was in it. 

Goldie. Oh, you were. 

King. Ah ! {Comes closer to her.) Tell me about it. 

Goldie. Well, I was in a market — the marriage market. 

King. H'm— h'm. Well? 

Goldie. And they were selling husbands. 

King. And you got one? 

Goldie. No. I hadn't enough money. 

King. How much did they cost ? 

Goldie. The kind I really wanted cost a hundred thou- 
sand dollars. But there were some I liked pretty well as 
low as fifteen thousand. 

King. And how much was I marked ? 

Goldie. Oh, they were selling your kind in bunches, a 
dollar seventy-five a bunch. {Runs off laughing, l.) 

King. Stung again. This thing has got to stop. Now 
where am I going to find the happy woman ? If she 
doesn't turn up in a short time I lose my crown and my 
head. And then where would I wear my hat ? Ah, 
Slick's wife. I'll get even here for the fish poles. {Enter 
Stella l. 2 e. and crosses to l. c. The King crosses to 
her and bows.) Good-morning, my good woman ! Why this 
worried look upon your face, so usually graced with smiles 
of happiness and content? 

Stella. You are right, kind and noble sire. Smiles of 
happiness and content are missing from my countenance, I 
admit. How could it be otherwise? {Sobs.) My heart is 
broken — and — and — my husband has deserted me. He's 
gone {sobbing louder) on a fool's errand looking for a 
happy woman. (Sobs.) The goodness knows where he is. 
(Louder sobs.) And here — here — I am without friends or a 
home. (Throws herself on to the King loudly crying.) 

King (aside). Now to mend that broken heart with 
royal glue. (To Stella.) Don't weep, fair one. (Tenderly 
pats her head.) You are not without home or friends. 
For my home shall be your home. And I'll be your friend 
and more. Stella, my darling, my love, do you think you 
could be happy as my queen ? Think, Stella, my cherished 
one — the wife of the King of Timbuctoo. [Aside.) For 
about three hours. 

Stella (aside). The wife of a King. Glorious. (To 



50 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

the King.) Your offer is so sudden and I am so young 
and so shy and oh, so inexperienced. I hardly know 
what to say. You had better ask papa ! {The King starts 
to walk azvay. Stella throws herself i?ito his arms again. ) 
I am yours — yours forever. I'm the happiest woman in 
Timbuctoo. {Hugs him again.} 

King. Saved. 

Stella. And our wedding will be to-morrow. 

King (aside). Not if I see you first. 

(Stella and the King introduce here a song similar to " The 
Widow Song " from " IVang," at the conclusion of which 
they exeunt at l. i e. arm in arm.} 

{Enter Nikita at R. u. E. ; comes down front and sings a?iy 
recent song and chorus, at the conclusion of which she 
crosses to l. i e., and looks off, then annou?ices in a 
dramatic tone.} 

Nikita. Ah, I hear footsteps approaching on roller 
skates. 'Tis he — the base violin. {Crosses to c.) 

{Enter Nasticus as Willie Green at l. i e. ; crosses toe.} 

Nasticus {dramatically}. Ah, we again meet. I know 
you. You are your mother's daughter. 

Nikita. A-las, a- las, 'tis true. Oh, kind fate, why did 
you ever let the secret be discovered ? {Bows her head.} 

Nasticus. Aw — er — discovered ? 

Nikita. Yes, discovered. Will you give me back the 
sewing-machine you took from around my neck ? 'Twas 
placed there by my mother when father went away and left 
us fireless with plenty of money. 

Nasticus. Oh, ho ! so it is you — Laura Jean Libbey — 
you — you — you. That face. How it haunts me. Night 
and morn, 'tis ever before me. Will you never change it? 

Nikita. My child, my child ! Oh, give me back my 
child, and spare my pocketbook. 

Nasticus {to audience}. Say, if any of you has this 
lady's child just you give it back to her. See! {To 
Nikita.) What is it that you want ? Information or a long 
chat? 

Nikita. Listen. Seventeen years ago to-night you 
murdered me on the old bridge by moonlight. I have fol- 
lowed your footsteps ever since that memorable occasion, 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 5 1 

and at last I have discovered you. Ah, revenge is sweet ! 
You must marry me or be my husband. {Tragically.} 
Ha — ha — ha 

Nasticus. So we've met before. And you — you are the 
woman that gave me your seat in the trolley car. 

Nikita. {demurely). Yes, 'tis I, kind sir. 

Nasticus. Why did you do it ? 

Nikita. To see how I stood with you. 

Nasticus. You can read your answer in the stars. 
Listen to what I have written. {Takes paper from pocket 
and reads.} 

I know a little girl that is nice ; 

She's the one desire of my life. 
I wish she would get off the ice, 

And become my own little wife. 

Nikita. Isn't that lovely? 
Nasticus. Your answer ? 
Nikita. I don't think you'll do. 

Nasticus. Well, that will be a great disappointment to 
my brother. 

Nikita. Your brother ? What has he to do with it? 
Nasticus. He wanted you to be a sister-in-law to him. 
Nikita. I'll think it over. 
Nasticus. And the Prince said the deah girl loved me ! 

{Trumpets and drums heard off. The throne is pushed in 
and is set up c. Enter Piper followed by Slick, Stella, 
Lill, Pansy, Violet, Goldie, Prof, and Rita. Exit 
Nasticus, r. Enter l., the King, who takes his place on 
throne.} 

King. Piper, let the festivities begin. Make the procla- 
mation. {Groans.) 

Piper. Hear ye ! Hear ye ! By the constitution of 
Timbuctoo the monarch must at the end of the twenty-fifth 
year of his reign abdicate in favor of the Crown Prince, and 
produce one happy woman or lose his life. Now the hour 
has come ! 

King {groaning). Don't say that. 

Piper. The hour has come, and everybody is tickled to 
death. 



52 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

{Introduce here Dance of Roses, or other dance or drill.") 
(Enter the Prince, l. ) 

King. What are you doing here? It seems to me you 
are in an awful hurry to be king. 

Prince. It is my deal now. 

King. What's trumps? 

Prince. Clubs. 

King (sighing). All right. You win. (Calls off .) Oh, 
Nasticus ! 

(Enter Nasticus, r., in original costume. He carries 
crown and sceptre on a dark red pillow.) 

Nasticus. The crown, Your Majesty. (Bows.) 

(The King holds up his hand for silence. Th e. Prince 
kneels in front of throne. The King places crown on 
his head, ha?ids him the sceptre, and steps down from 
thro ?ie, which the Prince mounts.) 

King. Long live King Kaciack. (All cheer.) And 
then hurray for me. (Nobody cheers.) Well, I can do my 
own cheering. I'm going to have a good time at last. 

(Chucks Goldie under the chin.) 

Prince. But I'm sorry to remind you of something. 
How about the happy woman ? 

King. Oh, I forgot that female. Dear me ! And if I 
don't produce her I lose my head? 

Prince. That's the law. 

King (to Slick). Why didn't you find that lady? 

Suck. I had troubles of my own. 

King. Well, I expected a lady. (Looks around.) Ah, 
here she is. (Pulls Ginger o?i r. i e.) Your Majesty, 
here's the happy woman. 

(Ginger, dressed in accordance with the instructions of the 
King at beginning of act, stands r.) 

Prince. Please step forward. (Ginger starts for throne 
but has difficulty in walking, tripping over dress, hat getting 
awry, etc.) Your name, madame? 

Ginger. Who, me? Why, you know me. 



THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 53 

Prince. I haven't that honor. 

Ginger. What, don't know Gin 

King. Be careful there, I say. 

Ginger. Oh, yes, my name. Madamselle de Cuckoo — 
de strawberry woman. 

Prince. Your residence ? 

Ginger. My which? 
j Prince. Where do you live? 

Ginger. Oh, is that what you mean? Why, I lives 
wid you. 

King. The lady means to say she lives in Timbuctoo. 

Ginger. I guess dat's right, boss. You didn't done 
tole me that answer. 

Prince. Your age? 

Ginger. Oh, I'm more than seven. 

Prince. Married or single? 

Ginger. Single; mah honey wouldn't hab me. 

King. You lost your husband, did you not? 

Ginger. Oh, I'se done forgot I was a widow. 

Prince. Are you happy ? 

Ginger. Oh, deedie — yas, sah, I'se happy. 

Prince. Why are you happy? 

Ginger. Let me see. What did you done tole me dat 
answer was, boss ? 

Prince. Nasticus, have the guards seize that woman. 
She's an impostor. 

Ginger. Here, you, don't you go calling me names or 
I'll take you across my knee and spank you ; 'deed I will. 
(Nasticus takes hold of Ginger's arm.) Heh, you dar, 
Boney Legs, let go of my arm, or I'll swat you. 

Prince. Remove her disguise. Let us see who dares 
impose upon the royalty of Timbuctoo. 

(Nasticus removes hat and veil.') 

All. Ginger ! How clever ! 

Ginger. I wuz a widow, now I'se a impositor. 

King. Oh, I might have known that bonehead would 
get me into trouble. 

Prince (to the King). I'm sorry, but you know the law. 
(To Nasticus.) Do your duty. 

(Nasticus seizes the King.) 



54 THE KING OF TIMBUCTOO 

King. Say, hold on. (Looks aroufid.) Do you know 
what this means to me ? 

All ( groaning). Alas, yes ! 

(Draw their fingers across throats.') 

King. Now, that'll do. You make my collar feel about 
six sizes too large. (To the Prince.) This thing has got 
to stop. 

Prince. You're right. It has gone far enough. The 
happy woman is here. 

All. Where? Who is she? 

(The Prince comes dow?i and takes Marie by the ha?id.) 

Prince. This little lady has promised to share the throne 
with me. (To Marie.) Are you a happy woman, sweet- 
heart ? 

Marie. Yes, my Prince. 

King (to Marie). I never saw any woman whose ap- 
pearance I liked so well. Bless you, my children. I'm 
goin' fishin'. 

(The Prince and Marie mount throne. The others form 
an effective group around them. Final chorus or medley 
of popular songs.) 



curtain 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

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PHILADELPHIA 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
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A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY'S. An En- 
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JONES VS. JINKS. A Mock Trial in One Act, by 
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HOW A WOMAN KEEPS A SECRET. A Comedy 
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